Breaking Negative Thinking Patterns (Jacob et al.)
To understand modes you need to understand that people experience themselves different at different moments -- e.g., feeling emotional one moment, cold and detached the next. There are six modes: Vulnerable Child, Angry Child, Happy Child, Parent, Coping, and Healthy Adult.
Child modes are triggered when we feel rejected, abandoned, or stressed. Child modes are activated by small incidents, and their intensity is disproportionate to the event. The Vulnerable Child Mode comes when one feels sad, anxious, or alone. The Angry Child Mode comes when you feel that your needs are not respected, and you react in an angry or entitled/spoiled way. In the Happy Child Mode, "we do things that are funny and pleasant, like playing, visiting theme parks, or going to the cinema." It would not be appropriate to always be in this mode (your default mode should be the Healthy Adult Mode), but "it is very important to notice when you are feeling the need for fun and recovery from your everyday life."
Dysfunctional Parent Modes are those inner voices that can make you feel like a failure, make you feel guilty, make you feel worthless and unwanted. The Demanding Parent Mode pushes you to be perfect, telling you you're a failure otherwise. The Guilt-Inducing Parent Mode tells us that we have to sacrifice for others and that we should feel bad about ourselves when we fail. The Punitive Parent Mode devalues or denigrates you.
Coping Modes. First, surrendering involves surrendering to a parent mode and thinking negatively about yourself. Second, avoidance involves avoiding emotions and problems so you don't have to deal with them. Third, overcompensation involves acting the opposite of your parent mode or vulnerable child mode (e.g., someone who feels inferior overcompensates by acting overly-confident).
Healthy Adult Mode. When you're in this mode, you're keeping balance between your needs and the needs of others. Moreover, you're not being overwhelmed by negative feelings.
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Healing Vulnerable Child Modes
Two steps: get in touch with your vulnerable child mode; take good care of it.
- Imagine a recent time when you had recent feelings possibly linked to your Vulnerable Child Mode. See if the feelings are related to how you felt in the past.
- Imagine the adult you encounters your childhood self. What does your little self need? What do you want to give your little self?
- When your Vulnerable Child Mode appears, you can imagine your older self comforting your little self.
- Write a letter to your little self.
Gaining control over Angry and Impulsive Child Modes
Two steps: identify the needs associated with this mode; learn how to express these needs in a healthier way.
- Imagine a situation when your Angry or Impulsive Child Mode appeared.
- Chair dialogue.
- Learn to control anger: observe early signs, express anger stepwise, take a little break, use a calming signal, practice alternative behavior in imagery.
- Imagine what you would need to feel less angry -- e.g., a good friend putting an arm around your shoulder.
Get in contact with your Happy Child Mode
Start by recalling happy memories from childhood.
Setting limits to Dysfunctional Parent Modes
- Imagine a situation when you felt under strong pressure even though the situation did not objectively demand it. When did you feel strongly rejected, unlikable, forced to do something you didn't want to do.
- Make a list of messages, explicit and implicit, you heard as a child -- e.g., "No pain no gain," "You're a loser when you make a mistake." Rewrite those maladaptive messages -- e.g., "If you don't take care of others you're a bad person" becomes "It's good to take care of others, but your needs are also important. I want to find a good balance."
- Carry a small item with you (e.g., a stone, a stop sign) as a symbol and reminder to talk back to your Dysfunctional Parent Mode. E.g., a stop sign on your desk reminds you not to say yes to every assignment.
- Find an Inner Helper; e.g., a kind aunt, a loving partner. When you the Punitive Parent Mode speaks to you, imagine telling your Inner Helper about it and wait for them to respond.
Changing coping modes
- Identify which coping styles you use. List the pros and cons of these coping styles.
- Enter a safe situation in your imagination. Then enter a difficult situation and try to take with you the feelings of safety. Note whether this exercise changes your feelings in the difficult situation.
- Reducing the surrender mode: imagine your new behavior with vivid detail; take small, realistic steps in a relatively undemanding situation.
Promoting your Healthy Adult Mode
The Healthy Adult Mode comforts the Vulnerable Child Mode, gives the Angry Child Mode the opportunity to express its emotions and needs more adequately, sets reasonable limits for the Impulsive or Spoiled Child Mode, reduces Avoidant Coping Modes, neutralizes Dysfunctional Parent Modes.
- Imagine a situation where you normally back down but should stand up for yourself. Imagine how you would like things to go.
- Be aware of situations that get you into Healthy Adult Mode.
- Behavior experiment: pick specific situation; ask how a caring person would encourage you; reward yourself for success.
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Breaking Negative Relationship Patterns (Bruce Stevens)
Schema therapy holds that bad childhood experiences have left us all with schemas, or deeply-held maladaptive assumptions we hold about ourselves and others. When looking at the list of schemas, I think that I possibly have four. (1) I often feel defectiveness-shame, believing that as others get to know me, they will find me unworthy of love and reject me. (2) I impose unrelenting standards (or perfectionism) on myself. (3) At least in my most recent relationship, I felt the need to self-sacrifice for her. (4) I tend to be approval-seeking, acting as though my own worth must be validated by others.
My most recent partner shared two of my schemas: (1) defectiveness-shame and (2) approval-seeking. She also possessed (3) abandonment, expecting to be abandoned by those she loves and (4) mistrust-abuse, expecting that others will eventually hurt her. My penultimate partner held the following schemas: (1) approval-seeking, (2) unrelenting standards, (3) self-sacrifice, (4) approval-seeking.
Schemas provide us one way of examining relationships. Couples often choose one another on the basis of their schemas. As an example of this, Stevens gives an example of someone with a defectiveness-shame schema (who consequently developed an eating disorder) who was attracted to someone with a unrelenting standards and punitive scheme (and reinforced her poor self-image).
I like the mode map on page 160.
Identify conflicts that keep occurring in your relationship; they're liking based on "interlocking schemas and coping styles." Identify your relationship's trigger points.
