Collaborative Problem-Solving

The Explosive Child -- Greene

Two Assumptions:

1. Kids do well if they can. 
2. Just like the rest of us, they do poorly when life demands skills they’re lacking.

Behaviorally challenging kids are challenging because they’re lacking the skills to not be challenging.

Challenging kids are lacking the skills of flexibility, adaptability, frustration tolerance, and problem solving, skills most of us take for granted. How can we tell that these kids are lacking those skills? One reason is that the research tells us it’s so. But the more important reason is this: because your child isn’t challenging every second of every waking hour. He’s challenging sometimes, particularly in situations where flexibility, adaptability, frustration tolerance, and problem solving are required. Try to think of the last time your child had an outburst and those skills were not required.

The reason reward and punishment strategies [don't help some children] is because they won’t teach your child the skills he’s lacking or solve the problems that are contributing to challenging episodes.

You can find a form on which you can identify all of your child’s lagging skills and unsolved problems—called the Assessment of Lagging Skills and Unsolved Problems—at www.livesinthebalance.org (it’s in a section called The Paperwork).

If your child lacked the skills to read or spell or do math, you wouldn’t use adult-imposed or natural consequences to teach those skills. Now that you’ve completed the ALSUP, you know what skills your child is lacking and the unsolved problems that are being caused by those lagging skills. Adult-imposed and natural consequences aren’t going teach those skills or solve those problems.

Collaborative Problem-Solving

Three ways to respond when your child engages in problem behavior b/c he/she lacks skills: Solving the problem unilaterally (Plan A), Solving the problem collaboratively (Plan B), Temporarily setting aside the problem (Plan C).

Collaborative Problem-Solving, three steps:

1. The Empathy step involves gathering information from your child to understand his concern or perspective about a given unsolved problem. 
2. The Define the Problem step involves communicating your concern or perspective about the same problem. 
3. The Invitation step is when you and your child discuss and agree on a solution that is realistic (that is, you and your child can actually do what you’re agreeing to do) and mutually satisfactory (it addresses the concerns that your child voiced in the Empathy step and that you articulated in the Define the Problem step).

Empathy Step

The Empathy step begins with an introduction to the unsolved problem. The introduction usually begins with the words “I’ve noticed that . . .” and ends with the words “What’s up?” In between you insert the unsolved problem. 

“I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for you to brush your teeth at night. What’s up?” 

If the introduction to an unsolved problem elicits a response, that’s good. However, the initial response seldom provides a clear understanding of the child’s concern or perspective, so you’ll need to probe for more information. 

Here are the drilling strategies, followed by examples: STRATEGY #1: Reflective listening is the art of simply saying back to the child whatever he just said to you, and is often accompanied by clarifying statements, like “How so?” or “I don’t quite understand” or “I’m confused” or “Can you say more about that?” or “What do you mean?” 

PARENT: I’ve noticed that we’ve been struggling a lot over homework lately. What’s up? ANA: It’s too hard. PARENT (USING STRATEGIES 1 AND 2): It’s too hard . . . what part is too hard? ANA: It’s too much. PARENT (STRATEGIES 1 AND 2 AGAIN): It’s too much. I don’t understand . . . what’s too much? ANA: The writing part is too much. PARENT (STRATEGIES 1 AND 3): Ah, the writing part is too much. Is the writing part hard on everything?

The best response to defensive statements is not reciprocal defensiveness but rather honesty. A good response to “I don’t have to talk to you” would be “You don’t have to talk to me.” A good response to “You’re not my boss” would be “I’m not trying to boss you.” And a good response to “You can’t make me talk” would be “I can’t make you talk.” Some reassurance that you’re not using Plan A might also be helpful, as in “I’m not telling you what to do” (you’re not), “You’re not in trouble” (he’s not), “I’m not mad at you” (you’re not), or “I’m just trying to understand” (you are).

Define the Problem Step

Once you have a clear understanding of your kid’s concern or perspective on a given unsolved problem, you’re ready to move on to the Define the Problem step.

The primary goal of the Define the Problem step is to enter your concern or perspective into consideration. This step usually begins with the words, “My concern is . . .” or “The thing is . . .”

DIFFICULTY WAKING UP IN THE MORNING: My concern is that when you have difficulty waking up in the morning, you end up being late for school, and you’re falling behind in your first two classes because you’re frequently not there in time to attend them.

DIFFICULTY GETTING TO BED ON TIME: The thing is, when you get to bed late, you’re tired at school the next day and you have trouble concentrating in your classes.

The Invitation Step

This final step involves brainstorming potential solutions that address the concerns of both parties, concerns that have been identified and clarified in the first two steps. I call it the Invitation step because the adult actually invites the child to solve the problem collaboratively. The Invitation step lets the child know that solving the problem is something you’re doing with him (collaboratively) rather than to him (unilaterally).

To start this step, you could simply say something like, “Let’s think about how we can solve this problem,” or “Let’s think about how we can work that out.” But to make the problem as explicit as possible, I recommend that you recap the concerns that were identified in the first two steps, usually starting with the words, “I wonder if there’s a way . . .” In the above example, that would sound something like this: “I wonder if there’s a way for us to help you with the writing part so it doesn’t take so long that you forget what you wanted to say . . .” (the kid’s concern) “ . . . but still make sure you get some practice at the writing part so it won’t always be so hard for you” (the adult’s concern).

Then you give the kid the first crack at generating a solution: “Do you have any ideas?”

There are two criteria for gauging whether a solution is going to get the job done, and these criteria should be considered and discussed by you and your child before signing on the dotted line: the solution must be realistic (meaning both parties can actually do what they’re agreeing to do) and mutually satisfactory (meaning the solution truly and logically addresses the concerns of both parties).

[R]emind him that the goal is to come up with a solution that works for both of you, perhaps by saying, “Well, that’s an idea, and I know that idea would address your concern, but I don’t think it would address my concern. Let’s see if we can come up with an idea that will work for both of us.”