John Bowlby observed young tubercular children whose parents had checked them into a sanitarium. He observed that the children went through three main stages. They initially expressed distress and anger over being abandoned. For most children "this meant tears and reaching out to others; it also meant throwing things and stomping around, even lying down and beating [one's] fists and feet on the floor" (17). The children next entered into a state of deep despair and finally into a state of detachment, which to doctors looked like a return to normalcy. The authors describe one three-year-old girl who finally seemed to snap out of her despair and began playing with other children. But then one day the girl's mother showed up for a visit, and the girl "hardly looked up" (18). When her mother "came to her bed and kissed her," the girl "actually pulled away." Bowlby observed that this girl had "walled herself off from her mother at an emotional level." This girl, like many children in the same situation, had been badly hurt by the abandonment, and in an effort not to suffer this hurt again she "eradicated her need" for her mother and in so doing had "eliminated her negative feelings about being separated from her" (19).
The authors write: "Fear of abandonment is the fundamental human fear. It is so basic and so profound that it emerges even before we develop a language to describe it. It is so powerful that it activates our body's automatic nervous system, causing our hearts to race, our breathing to become shallow and rapid, our stomachs to quiver, and our hands to shake. We feel a sense of panic that will not be assuaged until we are close to our caregivers -- until we regain a feeling of security" (22).
You can determine your own attachment style by answering four questions: (1) Am I worthy of being loved? (2) Am I competent to get the love I need? (3) Are other reliable and trustworthy? (4) Are other accessible and willing to respond to me when I need them? These questions show you whether your sense of self is positive or negative and whether your sense of others is positive or negative (23). Four attachment styles: (1) Secure Attachment (Positive Self/Positive Other), (2) Ambivalent Attachment (Negative Self/Positive Other), (3) Avoidant Attachment (Positive Self/Negative Other), (4) Disorganized Attachment (Negative Self/Negative Other) (24).
Ainsworth's secure base. "Securely attached children, when they are emotionally upset, will seek comfort and closeness from their parents. Thus, they use the parents as a secure base. Once they are calmed, they will begin to explore and play. Insecurely attached children will not rely on their parents in this fashion. Instead they either avoid them or cling angrily to them" (25). The rationale behind Ainsworth's strange situation was that "attachment behavior only occurs when the child feels anxious" (26). Four responses:
- Secure. Infants upset when mom left, wanted to be held and comforted when mom return. Distress went away once mom held them. Self dimension: infants believed that they were "worthy of comfort and protection" and that they "were capable of seeking comfort effectively." Other dimension: they "did not hesitate to go toward their moms, implying that they believed their mothers were trustworthy and reliable during times of distress" (26).
- Ambivalent. Upset when mom left. "However, the intensity of their cries was several notches higher than that of the secure babies. They were angry, and they let everyone know it by producing full-fledged, fall-on-the-floor-and-thrash-around-violent types of tantrums." When mom returned, they went straight to her, "but not all was well as it was with the secure group. Even though their mothers held them, these babies were not comforted." Once mom picked them up, they "squirmed, they kicked, they threw toys, and they even took swings at their mother." Self dimension: they believed "that they were not worthy of love and that they were unable to get their mothers' attention effectively." Other dimension: "their moms, while capable of giving them comfort and protection, needed more than just a simple whimper to get their attention. They needed florid, tumultuous tantrums -- almost punishing behavior -- before they would respond effectively" (27).
- Avoidant. Showed "very little, if any, distress upon their mothers' departure," but studies have shown that "when these babies are hooked up to physiological measures of emotional distress they are just as aroused as the other babies" (27). They did not seem to care when their moms returned, "did not seek their mothers for comfort and support." Self dimension: "they were self-sufficient and they did not need the care of their mothers when distressed." Other dimension: "their moms were not reliable, accessible, or trustworthy, so they considered it a useless mission to seek them out for reassurance and fortification" (28).
- Disorganized. "These children had no consistent style of relating to their mothers when they returned to the room," showing a combination of secure, ambivalent, and avoidant ressponses, e.g., one child approached her mother but then stopped and "fell prostrate on the floor." Self dimension: like ambivalent group "did not consider themselves worthy of comfort and protection" and "were not confident in their abilities to effectively get their mothers' attention." Other dimension: like avoidant group "did not regard others as trustworthy, reliable, or accessible" (28).
Mothers of secure children: "responsive to their needs. When their babies cried, they picked them up more quickly. They were also more inclined to hold their babies longer, and they showed more affection and positive emotion when doing so." Mothers of ambivalent children were inconsistent. "At times they were very responsive to their babies' needs, but then, for no apparent explanation [sic], they became distant and aloof. Or they became exceedingly intrusive and interfering." Mothers of avoidant children were rejecting. "They had great difficulty expressing sensitivity to their children's cries. Frequently they would snub their children and refuse to offer physical contact when their children were upset. They tended to view crying as a form of manipulation and weakness rather than a legitimate expression of neediness" (29).
A paradox. "A baby's cry is hardwired. It is not a sign of weakness or overdependency. And a mother cannot be too responsive to her infant. Infants of mothers who were most responsive and most sensitive during the first year of life were much more likely to become securely attached." And "secure babies becomes just the opposite" of what some people expect: "They are more autonomous, and they cry less, explore more, and are much less clingy than their insecure counterparts" (32).
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Ainsworth outline five criteria for attachment bonds (quoted verbatim): (1) The infant seeks proximity, or closeness, to the caregiver, especially in times of trouble, (2) The infant sees teh caregivers as providing a "safe haven," (3) The infant trusts the caregiver to provide a secure base from which he or she can explore the world, (4) The threat of separation from the caregiver induces fear and anxiety in the infant, (5) Loss of the caregiver induces grief and sorry (35-36).
An attachment injury occurs "when someone we love, someone who we think should love us, like a parent, fails to provide our fundamental safety and security needs" (36). Attachment injuries can occur when (quoted verbatim):
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Ainsworth outline five criteria for attachment bonds (quoted verbatim): (1) The infant seeks proximity, or closeness, to the caregiver, especially in times of trouble, (2) The infant sees teh caregivers as providing a "safe haven," (3) The infant trusts the caregiver to provide a secure base from which he or she can explore the world, (4) The threat of separation from the caregiver induces fear and anxiety in the infant, (5) Loss of the caregiver induces grief and sorry (35-36).
An attachment injury occurs "when someone we love, someone who we think should love us, like a parent, fails to provide our fundamental safety and security needs" (36). Attachment injuries can occur when (quoted verbatim):
- The caregiver or loved one is simply not available, physically or emotionally, due to his or her own emotional distress or discomfort with closeness.
- The caregiver is willing to be available but is not able to be there.
- The caregiver wants to be available and normally would be there, but is absent at a crucial developmental phase or during a time of crisis.
- The parent or loved one is there, but instead of providing a safe haven, he or she uses insensitive, off-putting, embarrassing, or sarcastic language toward the needy child or adult.
- The caregiver is there but is smothering and overdoes safety and protection, which doesn't allow the child or loved one the freedom to explore teh world and gain confidence mastering life's skills (37).
We have the same three basic attachment injuries observed by Bowlby -- protest, despair, detachment -- our entire lives. "Whenever we feel that our attachment figure's availability is threatened, we experience anxiety or anger. Anxiety drives us to seek closeness. From an infant, it may mean the baby cries to get her mother's attention or crawls closer to Mommy. For a ten-year-old...it may mean he refuses to go to school and instead wants to hover over his mother...The anger of protest is often called an 'anger of hope.' It's designed to reprimand the caregiver for abandoning us" (41).
It's risky to be angry with someone we love b/c our anger could alienate them. So we might turn our anger inward. "At some point, coping with prolonged loss means detaching from it. We disguise our attachment needs with a mask of independence and self-sufficiency. We may say, 'I don't need her; she means nothing to me. All I need is me.' In this detached state, we may turn inward, finding comfort in a fantasy life. Or we may turn to addictive behavior and replace our need for relationships with drugs, alcohol, the Internet, shopping, and/or pornography" (42).
"We all desire relationships that allow us to talk openly and honestly about our feelings...When we can't talk through our feelings with the ones we love and care about, it only intensifies the stress we feel" (43). John Gottman describes four types of unhealthy communication: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling.
All couples engage in some unhealthy communication. "What seems to distinguish healthy from unhealthy couples is their ability to repair the damage done. We might start out by being critical or defensive in response to an attachment injury, but we catch ourselves and recover" (44).
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Avoidant Style
Three components of a loving relationship. (1) Having an emotional connection w/ others -- "showing sensitivity and responsiveness to the feelings expressed by others" (52). (2) Disclosing private thoughts and feelings. (3) Participating in nonsexual touch (51). Avoidants struggle w/ at least one of these areas. Regarding (2), "By disclosing intimate thoughts and feelings, one becomes vulnerable to being hurt all over again" (54).
D/n trust others b/c in close relationships, "this individual was often turned away, rebuffed whenever he made bids for comfort and safety. He was given the message that to be needy was to be weak. As a result he came to learn that reaching out would often be met w/ hurt, shame, and rejection" (56). This individual "learns to bury his or her feelings of weakness and vulnerability and replaces them w/ an inflated sense of self-confidence, an 'I-don't-need-you, I'll-do-it-myself' mentality'" (57).
Causes of avoidant style: insensitive parenting, which can manifest itself in the form of dismissive parenting, rejection, or intrusive parenting. "Sensitive parents, esp. parents of infants, adjust their behavior to help the little ones remain calm, or if the babies are agitated, sensitive parents him them become calm as quickly as possible...These parents satisfy their children's needs. And they do not do it angrily or resentfully...And when infants are cared for responsively and tenderly, they develop relationship rules, such as, My emotional needs are important, and I can count on others to help me in times of trouble. Paradoxically, instead of becoming self-centered...this foundation seems to equip a maturing child with empathy, the ability to more fully see and respond to the needs of others" (64).
Dismissive parenting -- "dismissing the child's emotions, esp. negative ones," e.g., telling a child in a bad mood, "I don't know what you're problem is, but you'd better change that attitude right now," instead of saying, What's wrong? You seem to be awfully grouchy today" (65-66). Rejection -- "Rejecting parents are emotionally disengaged from their infant children, sometimes mocking, even ridiculing them" (66). Intrusive parenting -- "They fail to read the child's subtle, nonverbal cues that say, Okay, Mom, I feel better now. I want to go play. The intrusive parent may dismiss or 'guilt-trip' these requests to be left along, saying, for example, 'You really don't want to push Mommy away, do you, dear?'" (66).
Three types of avoidant personalities. First, the narcissist: "seeks excessive praise from others, tends to be arrogant and condescending and portrays an inflated sense of self-worth, fantasizes about fame, fortune, and power, is very sensitive to criticism and can respond with intense anger...manipulates others to achieve his or her own ends...shows poor empathy for others" (68). Second, the exiled or disconnected self. "These persons do not feel the need for acceptance or approval from others. In fact, they have very little desire to connect at all" (69). Third, the compulsive perfectionist.
The Path to Healing
Step One: Remember Your Story
Tell your story to a trusted person, "get it out in the open. In doing so, the experience moves from being pictures in your mind to pictures with a story." Recall the facts -- "Describe, in play-by-play fashion, specific painful events." Retrace the path of the pain -- "Access and remember the feelings that burst to the surface during the episode" (264).
Step Two: Recognize Your Pain and the Need for Healing
Allow yourself to feel the pain. It is natural to feel anger, and the best way to deal with this anger "is to first own it and then validate it. You can say to yourself, I was wronged, and it's okay for me to be steamed about it. I needed you to be there for me and you weren't. Attachment injuries create a sense of loss. So give yourself permission to grieve, to feel sorrow, to cry" (266).
Step Three: Reframe the Meaning of Your Story
You can now understand why you acted as you did, e.g., why you became a workaholic, etc. "The objective of reframing your story is to see yourself, and your past, in a different light. Where before you generally saw just your weakness and frailities, now you're able to see your strengths as well, along with your tenacity, your will to survive, and your desire to thrive" (267-268). E.g., you now see that you did the things you did for a good reason, e.g., to avoid getting hurt again.
Step Four: Repair Your Story -- and Your Damaged Relationships and Emotions
Identify what's broken, e.g., how your attachment style doesn't work. Next, revise your relationships rules, i.e., what you feel about yourself and what you feel about others. After that, "Replace defensive behavior with courageous loving." This "requires that you become vulnerable again and risk being rejected, criticized, and used. This doesn't mean that you lie down and become a doormat but that you learn to love honestly and boldly" (274).
Step Five: Reconnecting
"[T]he ultimate destination in this healing journey is to build better, more enduring relationships -- relationships that are rich, satisfying, and intimate, that help you grow stronger, that fill you with a sense of purpose and meaning, that inspire you to act with grace and mercy to the world around you" (276). To do this, you must forgive (277-280).
* * * * *
Avoidant Style
Three components of a loving relationship. (1) Having an emotional connection w/ others -- "showing sensitivity and responsiveness to the feelings expressed by others" (52). (2) Disclosing private thoughts and feelings. (3) Participating in nonsexual touch (51). Avoidants struggle w/ at least one of these areas. Regarding (2), "By disclosing intimate thoughts and feelings, one becomes vulnerable to being hurt all over again" (54).
D/n trust others b/c in close relationships, "this individual was often turned away, rebuffed whenever he made bids for comfort and safety. He was given the message that to be needy was to be weak. As a result he came to learn that reaching out would often be met w/ hurt, shame, and rejection" (56). This individual "learns to bury his or her feelings of weakness and vulnerability and replaces them w/ an inflated sense of self-confidence, an 'I-don't-need-you, I'll-do-it-myself' mentality'" (57).
Causes of avoidant style: insensitive parenting, which can manifest itself in the form of dismissive parenting, rejection, or intrusive parenting. "Sensitive parents, esp. parents of infants, adjust their behavior to help the little ones remain calm, or if the babies are agitated, sensitive parents him them become calm as quickly as possible...These parents satisfy their children's needs. And they do not do it angrily or resentfully...And when infants are cared for responsively and tenderly, they develop relationship rules, such as, My emotional needs are important, and I can count on others to help me in times of trouble. Paradoxically, instead of becoming self-centered...this foundation seems to equip a maturing child with empathy, the ability to more fully see and respond to the needs of others" (64).
Dismissive parenting -- "dismissing the child's emotions, esp. negative ones," e.g., telling a child in a bad mood, "I don't know what you're problem is, but you'd better change that attitude right now," instead of saying, What's wrong? You seem to be awfully grouchy today" (65-66). Rejection -- "Rejecting parents are emotionally disengaged from their infant children, sometimes mocking, even ridiculing them" (66). Intrusive parenting -- "They fail to read the child's subtle, nonverbal cues that say, Okay, Mom, I feel better now. I want to go play. The intrusive parent may dismiss or 'guilt-trip' these requests to be left along, saying, for example, 'You really don't want to push Mommy away, do you, dear?'" (66).
Three types of avoidant personalities. First, the narcissist: "seeks excessive praise from others, tends to be arrogant and condescending and portrays an inflated sense of self-worth, fantasizes about fame, fortune, and power, is very sensitive to criticism and can respond with intense anger...manipulates others to achieve his or her own ends...shows poor empathy for others" (68). Second, the exiled or disconnected self. "These persons do not feel the need for acceptance or approval from others. In fact, they have very little desire to connect at all" (69). Third, the compulsive perfectionist.
The Path to Healing
Step One: Remember Your Story
Tell your story to a trusted person, "get it out in the open. In doing so, the experience moves from being pictures in your mind to pictures with a story." Recall the facts -- "Describe, in play-by-play fashion, specific painful events." Retrace the path of the pain -- "Access and remember the feelings that burst to the surface during the episode" (264).
Step Two: Recognize Your Pain and the Need for Healing
Allow yourself to feel the pain. It is natural to feel anger, and the best way to deal with this anger "is to first own it and then validate it. You can say to yourself, I was wronged, and it's okay for me to be steamed about it. I needed you to be there for me and you weren't. Attachment injuries create a sense of loss. So give yourself permission to grieve, to feel sorrow, to cry" (266).
Step Three: Reframe the Meaning of Your Story
You can now understand why you acted as you did, e.g., why you became a workaholic, etc. "The objective of reframing your story is to see yourself, and your past, in a different light. Where before you generally saw just your weakness and frailities, now you're able to see your strengths as well, along with your tenacity, your will to survive, and your desire to thrive" (267-268). E.g., you now see that you did the things you did for a good reason, e.g., to avoid getting hurt again.
Step Four: Repair Your Story -- and Your Damaged Relationships and Emotions
Identify what's broken, e.g., how your attachment style doesn't work. Next, revise your relationships rules, i.e., what you feel about yourself and what you feel about others. After that, "Replace defensive behavior with courageous loving." This "requires that you become vulnerable again and risk being rejected, criticized, and used. This doesn't mean that you lie down and become a doormat but that you learn to love honestly and boldly" (274).
Step Five: Reconnecting
"[T]he ultimate destination in this healing journey is to build better, more enduring relationships -- relationships that are rich, satisfying, and intimate, that help you grow stronger, that fill you with a sense of purpose and meaning, that inspire you to act with grace and mercy to the world around you" (276). To do this, you must forgive (277-280).
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