SDT and Romance

Knee, C. R., Hadden, B. W., Porter, B., & Rodriguez, L. M. (2013). Self-determination theory and romantic relationship processes. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 17(4), 307-324.

[Early experiments suggested a need for competence in that positive feedback was found to enhance intrinsic motivation (compared with no feedback), whereas negative feedback was found to undermine intrinsic motivation (compared with no feedback; see Deci & Ryan, 1980, for review).]

According to self-determination theory, optimal psychological health and well-being emerge from the satisfaction of basic psychological needs for autonomy, competence, and relatedness.

Empirical support for this process comes from studies indicating that, for example, people are more securely attached to, and more likely to emotionally rely on, those who meet their needs for autonomy, competence, and relatedness.

Different theories of close relationships:

1. Attachment. SDT claims that in order to provide a secure base, partners must be supportive, responsive, and also support the autonomy of the other. 
2. Self-Expansion Theory. This theory claims that we have a need to expand (e.g., expand our resources and perspectives) by "including close others within the self-concept." Satisfying romantic relationships are those in which "partners engage in novel and challenging activities to satisfy this fundamental desire to grow and expand." (Aron & Aron.) This theory says that "individuals assimilate the traits and characteristics of the partner into their self-concept, as a natural ongoing process of developing a close and intimate relationship. SDT states that "activities that support basic needs for autonomy, competence, and relatedness are likely to also facilitate true self-development and true self-expansion."
3. Communal and Exchange Orientations. Exchange relationships are those in which "a benefit is given with the expectation of receiving a compaable benefit in return, as is typically seen in business relationships." Communal relationships are those in which "benefits are given in support of a partner’s welfare noncontingently, without a felt obligation to have them repaid." 
4. Contingent Self-Worth. Contingent self-worth is based on "being who one is rather than what one does." SDT states that fulfilling our basic needs promotes noncontingent self-worth, which helps people to be less defensive in their relationships. 
5. Implicit Theories of Relationships. People have assumptions about how relationships develop and succeed. Destiny belief holds that relationships are either meant to be or not and cannot be improved. Growth belief holds that "relationships can be maintained and problems can be overcome." 
6. Gottman’s Four Horsemen. Gottman found that "(a) unhappily married couples engage in long chains of reciprocated negativity (i.e., where spouses exchange negative affect or behavior in response to their partner’s negativity) and (b) the interactions of happily married couples display a climate of agreement, including higher levels of positivity and approval, and lower levels of disagreement and criticism during conflict." Marriages should have a positive-to-negative behavior ratio of five to one. 
7. Positive Illusions and Self-Serving Biases. Positive illusions are "those qualities that people see in their partner that their partner does not see in himself or herself." People "generally project their image of an ideal partner onto their current partner and are happier in relationships in which they view their partner more generously than the partner views himself or herself. Furthermore, this tendency goes both ways such that those who are idealized also report being happier in their relationship. Even more interestingly, over the long term, positive illusions tend to have a self-fulfilling effect, such that idealization predicts relatively greater satisfaction and less conflict over time. Over a year, partners came to see virtues in themselves that their partner had initially seen as well, as if they came to believe the inflated perceptions their partner had of them." 
8. Risk Regulation Model. "Part of what makes relationships satisfying is becoming close to another and sharing oneself with one’s partner. However, there are risks associated with becoming close to another. Feelings of rejection in romantic relationships are especially painful, and there is a risk that one’s partner will decide to end the relationship...When the partner’s general regard for oneself is questionable and rejection seems possible, the model posits that people should tread cautiously, reserve judgment, and limit future dependence on the partner. In contrast, when confident of a partner’s general regard, people can more safely risk increased dependence in the future. They can enter into situations in which the partner has control over their immediate outcomes, forgive transgressions, attach greater value to their partner’s qualities, and risk a stronger sense of commitment to the partner and relationship."
9. Interpersonal Process Model of Intimacy. This model states that "intimacy develops as the result of two primary mechanisms: self-disclosure to one’s partner and responsiveness from one’s partner. According to this model, the intimacy process is initiated when one engages in self-disclosure—the act of revealing personally relevant information—with one’s partner. In turn, the degree to which one’s partner is responsive to self-disclosure will result in stronger or weaker feelings of intimacy."