The Assertiveness Workbook (Randy Paterson)

Different Communication Styles

Passive. Designed to avoid conflict -- e.g., by giving in to others, not offering your opinion until others have offered theirs, not giving negative feedback, not doing anything that might attract negative attention. The result of being passive: "We give control of our lives to other people -- even when we don't want to do so." "Like submissive wolves, we may avoid eye contact, appear nervous, look downward, and make ourselves small." The term "passive" is misleading, as such individuals often exert much energy "scurrying around, working twice as hard as others, explaining his or her actions," etc.

Aggressive. This is the flip side of the passive style. "Instead of submitting to others, we try to get others to submit to us. It is important for us to win, regardless of the cost to other people. Our aim is to control the behavior of other people through intimidation." Generally results from feeling threatened. People generally act aggressive because they had an aggressive parent, low self-esteem causes you to feel threatened by little things, gain initial success of aggression, don't see negative consequences.

Passive-Aggressive. Like the aggressive person, you want to "get" the other person, "but fear holds you back from doing it directly." We "disguise our aggression so that we can avoid taking responsibility for it." Examples: getting at coworkers by complaining to boss, "accidentally" doing something, showing up late, getting a "headache" to get out of doing something, doing a chore so badly that you won't be asked to do it again. "In all cases you get your own way, but you have a plausible excuse that allows you to escape taking responsibility for your actions."

Assertiveness. This is not a way for getting your own way. Rather, this style "recognizes that you are in charge of your own behavior and that you decide what you will do and will not do." It recognizes that "other people are in charge of their own behavior and does not attempt to take that control from them. When we behave assertively, we are able to acknowledge our own thoughts and wishes honestly, without the expectation that others will automatically give in to us. We express respect for the feelings and opinions of others without necessarily adopting their opinions or doing what they expect or demand."

Overcoming the Stress Barrier

It's tough for many to be assertive because it's difficult to overcome the stress barrier. The stress response "is a bodily response to the perception that we are under threat." The stress response developed aided our survival. In our ancestral environment, when we were under threat, it was adaptive to either fight as hard as we could or run as fast as we could.

Stress response causes bodily changes: e.g., heart rate increases to "pump blood more quickly to working muscles," respiration increases "to ensure the availability of oxygen to burn energy," glucose released to fuel the muscles, etc. Stress response causes psychological and behavioral changes: e.g., you're "more able to focus on specific vital tasks (like running or fighting) and, correspondingly, less able to focus on multiple complex tasks. Creative thinking declines. A desire to move takes over, often resulting in pacing, fidgeting, or an intense sense of restlessness."

Ways to cope with stress:

1. Confront the person by being assertive. 
2. Reevaluate your appraisal (i.e., do CBT). 
3. Deal with bodily response by engaging in relaxation techniques -- e.g., take a break (get away from the triggering situation), burn it off ("The stress response prepares you to engage in vigorous physical activity. If you just sit there, the physical symptoms (and the behavioral tendencies accompanying them) will take time to pass. An alternative is to do exactly what the response intends you to do: exercise), breathe (breathe in and then without breathing out, breathe in further) (take at least five breaths) (practice at least twice a day) 
4. If you're easily stressed, consider making some lifestyle changes -- e.g., exercise regularly (exercise reduces stress and anxiety), eat well (which will make you less vulnerable to stress), make sure you're getting enough sleep, limit your caffeine intake, lead a balanced life (e.g, don't be a workaholic).

Overcoming the Social Barrier

"The people around you may resist your efforts to become more assertive." You might tell them that you're trying to change your communication style: "I'm trying to speak up about things a little more than I used to do. That way I don't get resentful and everyone doesn't have to guess what I really think."

Overcoming the Belief Barrier

"Our behavior and emotions depend more on our interpretation of events than on the events themselves." Some beliefs can prevent us from being assertive -- e.g., you might believe that you're a failure if you make mistakes (and thus you'll remain passive), you might believe that passivity is the way to be loved, that you're wrong if others disagree with you, etc.

Reality Check

Remember: "You are in charge of your behavior; others are in charge of their behavior." Remember: You don't have to justify yourself to others, they don't have to justify themselves to you.

Preparing for Change

Pick a model, ask, "How would they react in this situation?"

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Nonverbal Behavior

"When your verbal and nonverbal messages differ, your audience is more likely to believe than the nonverbal message." An assertive style "signals an expectation that your point of view will be heard." Useful concepts:

• Face plane: imaginary flat surface between chin and eyes. 
• Body plane: imaginary flat surface between the front of your shoulders and hips. 
• Personal space.

Assertive posture: upright posture with shoulders back; body plane is vertical and faces the other person; face plane is vertical (neither up nor down) and faces the other person. Assertive movements and gestures: movements relaxed and fluid; little muscle tension; hands open, not grasping one another or balled up. Assertive eye contact: frequent but broken by occasional horizontal glances away. Assertive facial expression: comports with the situation; direct gaze, calm expression, little muscle tension, forehead smooth. Voice tone: warm and well modulated, volume normal. Assertive fluency: even and conversational without rushing or hesitating.

Practice #1. For one week focus on one area of nonverbal behavior. Practice #2. Take a 15-30 minute walk in a place that is frequented by people; "concentrate on presenting yourself in a confident, comfortable manner." Practice #3. Call someone you don't know on the phone and talk assertively, speak from the diaphragm. Practice #4. Rehearse a script or ad-lib situation in the mirror or to a partner.