Paul Ekman "concluded, upon researching facial expressions on people around the world, that there are six basic emotions: happiness, surprise, fear, anger, disgust, sadness." Phillip Shaver said there are six primary emotions with secondary and tertiary emotions (37).
Smiling/frowning affects how we feel (p. 44): Schnall, S., & Laird, J. (2003). Keep smiling: Enduring effects of facial expressions and postures on emotional experiences and memory. Cognition & Emotion, 17(5), 787-797. Flipping off someone affects how we feel about them (p. 44): Chandler, J., & Schwarz, N. (2009). How extending your middle finger affects your perception of others: Learned movements influence concept accessibility. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 45(1), 123-128. Smiling and laughing boosted people's moods (p. 55). Injecting Botox into people's faces caused people to feel less depressed, compared to placebo (p. 55). [Have these studies been replicated?]
People feel physically warmer after reading positive messages, feel closer to their loved ones after given hand-warming packs (p. 50). When respondents asked to name a time they were socially accepted, they felt the temperature of the room was 5 degrees higher than when they were asked to remember a time they were snubbed (p. 51). [Have these studies been replicated?]
People asked to sit upright, ended up having less gloomy thoughts (p. 56).
Rituals. People wrote down negative thoughts about body image and then threw away the thoughts >> their negative thoughts weakened (p. 61). Alison Wood showed that ritual can reduce performance anxiety (p. 64). Rituals help with weight loss (p. 66). Change mechanism? (p. 67). Planning a funeral for the loser you (pp. 71). Rituals have more power when grounded in metaphor (p. 73): practical examples of crumpling up paper, washing up, walking through doorway (p. 74). Daniel Wegner found that "trying to suppress anxiety-provoking thoughts can backfire--ultimately causing you to feel more anxious than before you tried to stop' 9p. 64).
Self-esteem. Social pain affects our brains the same way as physical pain (p. 85) and triggers the same fight-flight response (p. 88). Taking Tylenol can reduce emotional pain (pp. 85-86). Social rejection causes the same reactions as physical pain, as being accepted by the tribe was essential in our ancestral environment (p. 89). It makes perfect evolutionary sense why we care what others think of us (p. 92). We care about having dominance or prestige (respect, admiration), care desperately that we're accepted by others, feel bad if we're not accepted; this bad feel impels us to take action and change our social standing (p. 93). If we simply try to make ourselves feel better, we're merely treating the symptoms of the illness, not the underlying causes; what's important when you have self-esteem is changing the way others think about you (p. 95).
Shame. Why do we sometimes feel bad about ourselves when nobody is there? This is a preventative measure; our feeling bad in such situations is "an internal alarm that gets sounded to help us guard against the social rejection that would likely come if somebody pointed a finger at us for it." The level of shame we feel for engaging in different behaviors closely aligns with "the degree of devaluation others would assign for that behavior." Guilt comes when we feel that we've hurt somebody else. If you feel both guilt and shame for something, you'll be more likely to stop doing it.
We tend to think that confident people are competent people. By behaving like you have have self-respect, you start to feel like you have self-respect. People acted more competently when they wore a doctor's lab coat than their street clothes (p. 120).
Use cognitive reappraisal to control your feelings; this involves "changing how you interpret a situation to change how it impacts you emotionally" (p. 124). Example: you have social anxiety, but instead of being carried away by anxiety, you say, "No, this is not a fearsome experience...It's an opportunity to show your courage." Cognitive reappraisal is most successful when done early in the emotional process. Cognitive reappraisal steps:
- Re-name your anxiety -- e.g., reappraising anxiety as excitement.
- Make my body do something different -- e.g., if I feel anxious, I can smile big, sit up straight, and dance.
- Use "tell a better story" technique to reinterpret others' behavior towards you (e.g., the Perhaps Game).
- Reappraise losses as small wins -- e.g., I didn't get the job, but I learned how to better interview.
- Don't engage in cognitive distortions -- e.g., don't catastrophize, instead, "I'm human, humans screw up all the time."
- Use your words -- e.g., talk back to your feelings, "Really, Fear? Throwing yet another tantrum?" [Zones: "Using language requires you to put your mental weight on your brain's higher reasoning department, the prefrontal cortex. With that increased activity up there in the front office, there's less activity in your brain's alarm center, the amygdala, which likely means less anxiety coursing through you."]
- Write it down -- e.g., Pennebaker. (Or speak into a recorder.) This writing must be about looking for meaning or a way forward, a way to learn from the problem/tragedy; ruminating makes nothing better. (pp. 131-136).
- Mindfulness. Chant a mantra (see chapter 7). Good mindfulness study (p. 138). Mindfulness can help you to approach your negative feelings like a tourist, giving you space so you can respond more rationally (p. 138).
Take one social risk a day. Doing this daily is essential, as repetition leads to habit acquisition (Phillippa Lally).
Zones: "slow deep breathing engages the parasympathetic nervous system, calming us down."
Authenticity. Michael Kernis and Brian Goldman break down being "authentic" into four parts: body (my behavior matches my inner self), self-awareness (I'm tuned in to my emotions, motives, preferences, etc.), unbiased processing (being objective in assessing information about yourself), and relational orientation (you're open and genuine with people you're close to).
The problem with authenticity. Kernis and Goldman write about the "true self," but there is no core self. Mental modules >> example of cognitive dissonance (I want to quit smoking, I want to smoke that cigarette). Seven modules: evading physical harm, avoiding disease, making friends, gaining status, attracting a mate, keeping that mate, caring for family. (p. 148). It's great that there's no "true self," because it means that you can choose who you want to be. Even though there's no true self, it's clear that other people want for us to be "consistent and predictable and stick to your word" (p. 153). We need self-esteem (to be valued by others), and people value us when we act like we have a true self -- that is, act with consistency, reliability, and predictability. And, as Robert Trivers noted, we're "better at conveying information believably to others if we believe it ourselves" (in other words, believe that we have a true self) (p. 154).
How to be the person you want to be. Just act like the person you want to be, and through repetition you'll start to become that person. Ask yourself: Who do I want to be? What are my values? Write down your values (p.151). Two essential values: courage and wisdom. Take advice from Albert Ellis: Consider the worst possible outcome from being your true self (p. 151); the worst is never that bad. Research: feeling inauthentic "results in lower moral self-regard and feelings of impurity, which trigger a desire for physical cleansing and acting prosocially to compensate for violating the true self."
Willpower. Cravings go away if we can wait just 10 minutes. Willpower is not available on demand; after we resist one temptation, we're less likely to resist the next temptation. This doesn't mean that willpower is a finite resource. Being hungry or tired also makes it harder to resist temptation. Fascinating judge-parole experiment (p. 162). Social rejection leads to decreased self-control (p. 163). Our willpower can get reset with a small reward or even the possibility of a reward (p. 166).
Willpower, cont'd. Talking to yourself in non-first-person can help you to have more self-control: e.g., "You can do this" (p. 169). You can also use non-first-person to reappraise situations, seeing them as a challenge rather than threat (p. 171). Swearing can help, e.g., enduring pain (pp. 171-72). Executive functions explained (p. 173). Willpower: give yourself a break (work on book, then go for walk) (pp. 174-75). Circadian rhythms: some are early birds, some night owls > work when you have the most energy (p. 176). Choices can be bad, as they drain mental energy (p. 178) > therefore, remove the possibility of choice (do the same thing no matter what, e.g., ten push ups before I get a cup of coffee) (p. 178). New Year's resolutions work if we have just one goal (p. 181). We're also more likely to achieve goals through precommitment (that is, "prearranging to make it hard to duck out of your goal) -- e.g., through building in accountability. Self-monitoring helps you stay on-task --e.g., calendar, app (p. 183). People who regularly exercise have more self-control (p. 184). Be goal systems-oriented, not goal-oriented -- e.g., my goal is not to lose weight, my goal is to eat healthy and exercise every day (which if done should result in weight loss); this helps us to not feel so down if we fail, as failures can be seen as "just small bummers within the bigger picture" (p. 185).
* * * * *
Confidence. Act confident to become confident: body (stand tall, shoulders back), voice (speak slowly, breath from your diaphragm, see Change Your Voice, Change Your Life), eyes, look comfortable.
Act like someone else, someone whose confidence you admire, just a few minutes here or there. This will teach you that it's possible to be different, which in turn will allow you to change parts of yourself. Alkon:
At first it's helpful to try on your new-self among strangers.
* * * * *
Exposure
Clinical psychologist Michelle Craske's exposure model based on latest findings from neuroscience. Joseph LeDoux: fear is a response to actual danger; anxiety is a response to potential threats.
Craske and LeDoux: when overcoming fear/anxiety, it's important to target implicit and explicit brain processes separately. Peter J. Lang talks about the "database" of fear in your mind: your conscious evaluationss, your behavior (e.g., retreating), your physiological reactions (e.g., pounding heart).
Exposure process:
Authenticity. Michael Kernis and Brian Goldman break down being "authentic" into four parts: body (my behavior matches my inner self), self-awareness (I'm tuned in to my emotions, motives, preferences, etc.), unbiased processing (being objective in assessing information about yourself), and relational orientation (you're open and genuine with people you're close to).
The problem with authenticity. Kernis and Goldman write about the "true self," but there is no core self. Mental modules >> example of cognitive dissonance (I want to quit smoking, I want to smoke that cigarette). Seven modules: evading physical harm, avoiding disease, making friends, gaining status, attracting a mate, keeping that mate, caring for family. (p. 148). It's great that there's no "true self," because it means that you can choose who you want to be. Even though there's no true self, it's clear that other people want for us to be "consistent and predictable and stick to your word" (p. 153). We need self-esteem (to be valued by others), and people value us when we act like we have a true self -- that is, act with consistency, reliability, and predictability. And, as Robert Trivers noted, we're "better at conveying information believably to others if we believe it ourselves" (in other words, believe that we have a true self) (p. 154).
How to be the person you want to be. Just act like the person you want to be, and through repetition you'll start to become that person. Ask yourself: Who do I want to be? What are my values? Write down your values (p.151). Two essential values: courage and wisdom. Take advice from Albert Ellis: Consider the worst possible outcome from being your true self (p. 151); the worst is never that bad. Research: feeling inauthentic "results in lower moral self-regard and feelings of impurity, which trigger a desire for physical cleansing and acting prosocially to compensate for violating the true self."
Willpower. Cravings go away if we can wait just 10 minutes. Willpower is not available on demand; after we resist one temptation, we're less likely to resist the next temptation. This doesn't mean that willpower is a finite resource. Being hungry or tired also makes it harder to resist temptation. Fascinating judge-parole experiment (p. 162). Social rejection leads to decreased self-control (p. 163). Our willpower can get reset with a small reward or even the possibility of a reward (p. 166).
Willpower, cont'd. Talking to yourself in non-first-person can help you to have more self-control: e.g., "You can do this" (p. 169). You can also use non-first-person to reappraise situations, seeing them as a challenge rather than threat (p. 171). Swearing can help, e.g., enduring pain (pp. 171-72). Executive functions explained (p. 173). Willpower: give yourself a break (work on book, then go for walk) (pp. 174-75). Circadian rhythms: some are early birds, some night owls > work when you have the most energy (p. 176). Choices can be bad, as they drain mental energy (p. 178) > therefore, remove the possibility of choice (do the same thing no matter what, e.g., ten push ups before I get a cup of coffee) (p. 178). New Year's resolutions work if we have just one goal (p. 181). We're also more likely to achieve goals through precommitment (that is, "prearranging to make it hard to duck out of your goal) -- e.g., through building in accountability. Self-monitoring helps you stay on-task --e.g., calendar, app (p. 183). People who regularly exercise have more self-control (p. 184). Be goal systems-oriented, not goal-oriented -- e.g., my goal is not to lose weight, my goal is to eat healthy and exercise every day (which if done should result in weight loss); this helps us to not feel so down if we fail, as failures can be seen as "just small bummers within the bigger picture" (p. 185).
* * * * *
Confidence. Act confident to become confident: body (stand tall, shoulders back), voice (speak slowly, breath from your diaphragm, see Change Your Voice, Change Your Life), eyes, look comfortable.
Act like someone else, someone whose confidence you admire, just a few minutes here or there. This will teach you that it's possible to be different, which in turn will allow you to change parts of yourself. Alkon:
All in all, I just put on my Kathy persona about five times over a period of a few weeks for maybe a minute or two, standing up for myself in little day-to-day life situations. As soon as I saw (and felt) the kind of positive response I got from speaking up inn Amy-as-Kathy mode, it set off ye old cartoon lightbulb in me--spotlighting how differently I got treated when I acted like a person instead of a crumb.
From this, I recognized that the assumption I'd been running on for so many years was wrong. People didn't treat me like shit because some tribunal had sentenced me to eternal loserhood; it was because I'd been acting as if that were the case.
At first it's helpful to try on your new-self among strangers.
* * * * *
Exposure
Clinical psychologist Michelle Craske's exposure model based on latest findings from neuroscience. Joseph LeDoux: fear is a response to actual danger; anxiety is a response to potential threats.
Craske and LeDoux: when overcoming fear/anxiety, it's important to target implicit and explicit brain processes separately. Peter J. Lang talks about the "database" of fear in your mind: your conscious evaluationss, your behavior (e.g., retreating), your physiological reactions (e.g., pounding heart).
Exposure process:
- List what you would like to do but are afraid of (e.g., being able to say no, letting people know the real you).
- Consider. Write what you expect to happen if you do these things (e.g., how you expect people to react). One a scale of 0-100, record the likelihood of each thing happening.
- Do. Do what you're afraid of -- perhaps 3-4 times over a w eek.
- Review. Review what happened, whether your expectations came true, and what you learned from the experience.
LeDoux: multitasking is inefficient. Therefore, don't expose yourself and think about what you're doing, why, or what it means. Do first, reflect later.
Robert Bjork writes how "space learning" ("learning jags with breaks in between) is more effective than cramming. "That's because we encode information into memory by first dripping into it and then taking a break from it and then going back and retrieving it from memory (and then repeating the retrieval over time)." Craske found that "spaced learning improves results from exposure therapy--improving retention of learning and decreasing the return of fear in later session." After your initial exposure session, "space out the days between your next sessions." Craske recommends spacing out exposure days in a 1-2-4-8 pattern. Craske: exposure exercises demand variability (e.g., "varying the length of time a person's going the exposure, the place they're doing it, and the thing or event they're being exposed to") (e.g., "if you're afraid of spiders, Craske will show you different spiders...vary the locations of your spider encounters," etc.).
Stefan G. Hoffman: "We define avoidance as anything that you do or don't do that prevents you from facing your anxiety." Two results of avoidance: "The first one is that you feel some relief from your anxiety. However, there is also a long-term negative consequence of avoidance: You will always feel anxious in this particular situation. Avoidance preserves your anxiety." Hofmann recommends people with social anxiety to buy a book and immediately return it.
Now time to review your exposure exercises. Doing this helps us to "consolidate" our new learning. Might be helpful to consider evolution -- e.g., people in ancestral environment feared rejection for adaptive reasons, but today...
During exposure exercises, don't use anxiety-reducing coping techniques (e.g., fidgeting with hands, bringing magazine for distraction) (Craske) -- because in exposure, discomfort is the point; "it's what helps you see that you can stand whatever you've been avoiding, along with showing you (in the most striking ways) that the fears that have been holding you back are stupid. In short, the shittier you let yourself feel the better you're likely to get at going out into the world with confidence." Once you've stopped doing the exposure exercises, you can use these calming strategies (e.g., rituals, cognitive reappraisal, and expressive writing).
Matthew Lieberman discussing how to calm emotions by putting them into words. Ethan Kross talks about using third-person speech: "Okay, Ames, so you're scared to go talk to this due. Get your ass over there and do it anyway." "By ginning up the part of your brain that puts thoughts into words--the prefrontal cortex--you reduce amygdala activity and (poof!) reduce your anxious response."
Use your body to relieve stress -- through rituals, dancing, taking deep breathes. LeDoux explains that breathing slowly and deeply "engages the parasympathetic nervous system, which counters our sympathetic nervous system, the home of our flight-or-flight response." It's best to breathe sitting down: Robert Saposlky "notes that skitting down is a way to 'slow down the flow of adrenaline.'"
* * * * *
Antifragility describes "the way living things are improved by stressors." An antifragile person doesn't avoid criticism but looks for it, "because it can be a path to improvement -- assuming it's coming from wise people, not annoying assholes on the internet." Criticism can tell you what in your life you need to change. Amy Dresner finds a way to regularly criticize herself: each morning she picks out a "character defect" card (each listing something about herself she believes needs changing) (the opposite of that defect written on the other side); each day she looks for that defect in her thoughts and behavior and then replaces it with its opposite.
Grief researchcer George Bonanno points out that "resilience is actually the norm among people." Salvatore Maddi writes about "hardiness."
How to be assertive:
* * * * *
Antifragility describes "the way living things are improved by stressors." An antifragile person doesn't avoid criticism but looks for it, "because it can be a path to improvement -- assuming it's coming from wise people, not annoying assholes on the internet." Criticism can tell you what in your life you need to change. Amy Dresner finds a way to regularly criticize herself: each morning she picks out a "character defect" card (each listing something about herself she believes needs changing) (the opposite of that defect written on the other side); each day she looks for that defect in her thoughts and behavior and then replaces it with its opposite.
Grief researchcer George Bonanno points out that "resilience is actually the norm among people." Salvatore Maddi writes about "hardiness."
How to be assertive:
- Take your time to answer. "I have to look into that." "Hmmm, let me get back to you."
- Practice saying no. Practice in the mirror. "When you're telling someone no, it's often best to avoid putting a lot of wordage around it -- verbal rambling, that is." Gavin de Becker: "'No' is a complete sentence."
- Practice letting anger show. "Anger is a sign that somebody is treating us unfairly."
- Be willing to be unpopular."
Main message:
Being bold is something you do. You may not feel all that bold, and go ahead and acknowledge that, but then do it -- whatever "it" happens to be. Boldly.
That's the main message I hope you got from this book -- that doing is the key to becoming -- to changing from the person you are to the person you want to be and,d through that, having the biggest life you possibly can.
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