Faber

Helping Children Deal w/ Their Feelings

Never deny your children’s feelings (e.g., “You don’t really feel that way,” “You’re just saying that because you’re tired,” “There’s no reason to be so upset.”) “Steady denial of feelings can confuse and enrage kids. Also teaches them not to know what their feelings are—not to trust them.”

To help your children deal with their feelings:

1. Listen with full attention.
1. “It’s hard for a child to think clearly or constructively when someone is questioning, blaming, or advising her.”
2. Acknowledge their feelings w/ a word--“Oh”...“Mmm”...“I see.”
1. “Words like these, coupled with a caring attitude, are invitations to a child to explore her own thoughts and feelings, and possibly come up with her own solutions.”
2. It is sometimes unhelpful to agree with a child. They just need to know that they’re understood. Saying, “You’re absolutely right” might be satisfying in the moment, “but it can also prevent a children from thinking through things for himself.”
3. Give their feelings a name.
1. “The child who hears the words for what she is experiencing is deeply comforted. Someone has acknowledged her inner experience.”
2. E.g., “The bus driver yelled at me and everybody laughed.” “That must have been embarrassing.”
4. Given them their wishes in fantasy.
1. E.g., child wants new telescope. Father: “You know what I wish? I wish I had enough money to buy you that telescope. No, with your interest in astronomy, I wish I had enough money to buy you a 400-power telescope.” “I wish I could make that banana ripe for you.”

Engaging Cooperation

5 Skills (which “create a climate of respect in which the spirit of cooperation can begin to grow”):

1. Describe (“what you see” or “the problem”)
1. Avoid “you” statements, which sound accusatory; just describe what you see. “The milk spilled. We need a sponge,” not, “You spilled the milk.”
2. Instead of “You haven’t taken that dog out all day. You don’t deserve to have a pet,” describe: “I see Rover pacing up and down near the door.” Instead of “How many times do I have to tell you to turn off the bathroom light after you use it,” describe: “The light’s on in the bathroom.”
2. Give information.
1. You’re teaching them things they will use the rest of their lives. “Milk turns sour when it’s not refrigerated,” “Name-calling can hurt feelings.” Caution: Don’t give info that they already know; this will insult them.
2. Instead of “It would never occur to you to give me a hand with the housework, would it?” give information: “It would really be helpful if the table were set for dinner now.”
3. Say it with a word. (Children dislike hearing long lectures; a quick reminder is enough.)
1. Instead of “Look at you, you’re walking out the door without your lunch again. You’d forget your head if it weren’t attached to you,” say, “Jamie, your LUNCH.” Or “Billy, the DOG,” or “Kids, PAJAMAS.”
4. Talk about your feelings. (Use “I” statements.)
1. Instead of, “Stop that! You’re a pain in the neck,” say, “I don’t like having my sleeve pulled.” Or “It bothers me when the screen door is left open. I don’t want flies around our food, or “I feel so frustrated when I start to say something and can’t finish.”
5. Write a note.
1. E.g., “Before you turn this on--THINK--Have I done my homework?”

Alternatives to Punishment

Alternatives:

1. Point out a way to be helpful.
1. “It would be helpful if you…”
2. Express strong disapproval (without attacking character).
1. “I’m furious that my new saw was left outside to rust in the rain!”
3. State your expectations.
1. “I expect my tools to be returned after they’ve been borrowed.”
4. Show the child how to make amends.
1. “What this saw needs now is a little steel wool and a lot of elbow grease.”
5. Offer a choice.
1. “You can borrow my tools and return them or you can give up the privilege of using them. You decide.”
6. Take action (if behavior persists).
1. “Why is the toolbox locked?” Father: “You tell me why.”
7. Allow the child to experience the consequences of his misbehavior.
1. One natural consequence of returning borrowed property in damaged condition is the owner’s displeasure. Another natural consequence is the owner’s reluctance to lend you anything again.

When a problem persists, use the following problem-solving steps:

1. Step I. Talk about the child’s feelings and needs.
2. Step II. Talk about your feelings and needs.
3. Step III. Brainstorm together to find a mutually agreeable solution.
4. Step IV. Write down all ideas—without evaluating.
5. Step V. Decide which suggestions you like, which you don’t like, and which you plan to follow through on.

Example of problem-solving:

1. BOBBY: Cross out where you pick me up every day. Kenny would really tease me if you did that. MOTHER: Okay . . . Well, I have to cross out, “Come home late,” because the fact is I do worry. But let’s look at this next one. I suppose I could move dinner to six fifteen. Would fifteen extra minutes help?

Encouraging Autonomy

To Encourage Autonomy

1. Let children make choices.
1. “Are you in the mood for your gray pants, or your red pants?” “I can see how much you dislike this medicine. Would it be easier for you to take it with apple juice or ginger ale?” “The drumming really bothers me. You can stop drumming and stay. You can drum in your own room. You decide.”
2. Show respect for a child’s struggle.
1. Instead of “Here, I’ll open that jar for you,” say, “A jar can be hard to open. Sometimes it helps if you tap the lid with a spoon.”
3. Don’t ask too many questions.
1. “Too many questions can be experienced as an invasion of one’s private life. Children will talk about what they want to talk about when they want to talk about it.”
2. Instead of, “How did your teacher like your composition? What did you get on your math test?” say, “Glad to see you. Welcome home.”
4. Don’t rush to answer questions.
1. “Usually when a child asks a question she’s already done some thinking about the answer. What she can use is an adult who will act as a sounding board to help her explore her thoughts further. There’s always time for the adult to supply the “correct” answer later if it still seems important.”
2. “That’s an interesting question. What do you think?”
5. Encourage children to use sources outside the home.
1. “Maybe the pet shop owner would have a suggestion.”
6. Don’t take away hope.
1. “By trying to protect children from disappointment, we protect them from hoping, striving, dreaming, and sometimes from achieving their dreams.”
2. Instead of, “Look, I don’t want you to be disappointed. Why try out for the lead when you don’t have any acting experience?” say, “So you’re thinking of trying out for the play! That should be an experience.”