Fierce Conversations

Scott, S. (2004). Fierce conversations. New York: Berkley Books.

Fierce conversation -- "one in which we come out from behind ourselves into the conversation and make it real" (7). The author's friend sometimes stops when he's talking and says, "What I just said isn't quite right. Let me see if I can get closer to what I really want to say" (11).

"Companies and marriages derail b/c people don't say what they are thinking" (19).

Principle #1: Interrogating Reality

Who owns the truth? "Every single person in the company, including the entry-level file clerk, owns a piece of the truth about what color the company is. The operative word is piece. No one, not even the CEO, owns the entire truth, b/c no one can be in all places at all times" (22).

Three steps here. (a) Make a proposal. (b) Check for understanding. Don't just asks, "What do you think?" Say, "Before we go any further, please ask any clarifying questions you may have." If someone is silent but looks puzzled, ask, "Alison, what questions do you have?" (c) Check for agreement. "I believe this is the right way to go, the right course of action. But I suspect some of you may see it differently. If you do, I'd like to hear it. I know that my enthusiasm may make it hard to challenge me, but my job is to make the best possible decisions for the organization, not to persuade you of my viewpoint. So please speak up." Make sure to call on everyone at table (24-25). Do the same when someone else shares an idea: "Jim, what is your perspective on Mike's idea?" (25). When someone challenges your idea, don't immediately defend your idea but make sure you understand what they're saying (26).

"The person who can most accurately describe reality without laying blame will emerge the leader" (27).

Principle #2: Come out from behind yourself into the conversation and make it real

We hold back from saying the truth b/c we want to please our superiors, but sometimes we go too far. We also hold back b/c we feel we're being selfish, but "[s]uccessful relationships require that all parties view getting their core needs met as being legitimate" (72).

Principle #3: Be here, prepared to be nowhere else

We must get past "How are you? I'm fine." We do this by "really asking and really listening. By being with someone, even if only for a brief moment, prepared to be nowhere else" (92).

Principle #4: Tackle your toughest challenge today

How to confront someone. It's crucial to have a good, thought-out opening to the conversation. Some common opening errors: (a) Small talk, e.g., "So how's it going?" Or, "How would you rate your performance?" "Openings like this are disrespectful and dishonest. Plus, you're not fooling anyone. The minute you ask how someone thinks how or she is doing, the internal reaction is likely, 'Well, apparently not as good as I'd hoped.'...Most of us can smell hidden agendas a mile away, and we don't like them" (143). Another error: (b) The Oreo cookie approach, begin and end w/ a compliment. The downside: People get paranoid when someone in authority says, "You did a good job on..." They're waiting for the "but." We have an obligation "to provide clear, straight messages. People deserve to know exactly what is required of them...Praise is essential when deserved. And when you praise, keep that conversation separate, focused, and clear" (144). Error (c): to soften the message to avoid hurting feelings. "The trouble is, sometimes we put so many pillows around a message that the message gets lost altogether" (144). The other person "may walk away thinking he or she has just had another casual chat w/ us" (145). Error (d): Machine Gun Nelly -- confronting "w/ heavy artillery. This individual is so terrorized by the notion of confrontation that he gets the adrenaline flowing, then runs into the room and hurls the message w/ vitriol or vengeance" (146).

The right way to confront. "Come straight at the issue. Get right to the point. Say what you have to say in sixty seconds, then immediately extend an invitation to your partner to join the conversation" (147). Three parts to a challenging conversation:

First, Opening Statement. (a) "Name the issue," (b) give specific example, (c) "Describe your emotions about the issue" (e.g., I'm angry, I'm worried), (d) "Clarify what is at stake" (that is, why is this important), (e) "Identify your contribution to this problem" (e.g., "I have contributed to this problem by not reviewing your priorities and due dates with you. I will correct that"), (f) "Indicate your wish to resolve the issue," (g) "Invite your partner to respond" (e.g., "I want to understand what is happening from your perspective. Please talk to me about what's going on with you and the team") (149).

Scott often asks: "On a scale of one to ten, at what level would you like to be confronted -- ten being told straight, no holds barred, what someone thinks or feels about something you have said or done?" Most say nine or ten (155).

Step Two. Inquire into your partner's views.

Step Three. Resolution. And then end conversation by making an agreement and determining "how you will hold each other responsible for keeping it" (158).

Principle #5: Obey your instincts

Principle #6: Take responsibility for your emotional wake

"An emotional wake is what you remember after I'm gone. What you feel. The aftermath, aftertaste, or afterglow" (187).

Principle #7: Let silence do the heavy lifting

Talk with people, not at them. Americans are uncomfortable w/ silence, but silence can be used to your advantage throughout conversation.